“Use soft words and hard arguments.”

– English Proverb

I’ve never been a good negotiator. I’m not naturally a pushy or aggressive person (unless I really need to be), so negotiations were always uncomfortable. I probably gave in too easily, leaving opportunities and money on the table. I always brushed it off, thinking that negotiation was something sales had to worry about, not me.

However, throughout my career, I have learned that negotiation is an essential skill. Negotiation applies in many other business situations and scenarios beyond sales, such as negotiating contracts with vendors, negotiating priorities and projects with cross-functional teams, and problem-solving. We also negotiate with insurance companies on insurance premiums, mortgage companies on interest rates and PMI, and quotes from contractors, car dealerships, and furniture stores.

Whether it’s a product, service, or even an idea, the truth is we all sell, all the time, regardless of the situation. And you don’t have to be pushy, aggressive, controlling, conniving, or manipulative to be an effective negotiator. It comes down to understanding people and applying practical communication skills.

Becoming a good negotiator can help you in many ways, from boosting your interpersonal and communication skills to saving money. Here are some tips for boosting your negotiation skills.

The 3 Negotiation Models

The first step in improving your negotiation skills is understanding the three negotiation models:

1. Win-win: The optimal outcome! Every party or stakeholder is satisfied.
2. Win-lose / lose-win: A more competitive perspective where, in order to win, someone else loses.
3. Lose-lose: When a win-win outcome might have been possible, however, competition won over effective collaboration. Everyone is worse off.

The 7 Stages of the Negotiation Process

The next step is to understand that successful negotiations are a process. Here are the seven crucial steps to follow to ensure a successful negotiation:

1. Analyze the topic. Gain a clear understanding of the topic and argument.
2. Gather information and requirements from all parties.
3. Analyze and evaluate the information.
4. Assess risks.
5. Evaluate stakeholders’ communication needs and styles, current positions, and culture.
6. Plan negotiation strategies and tactics. (Use “The 4 Ws” to structure your argument.)
7. Develop a contingency plan for if/when things go south.

Let’s break it down a step further. Follow what I have coined as the 5 “P’s” of successful negotiations.

The 5 “P’s” of Successful Negotiations

1. Problem

When you find yourself in a situation that requires negotiation, you are likely solving a problem (the first “p”). Whether procuring a vendor or product to solve a business problem, or buying a car, you will find yourself in a position where you need to negotiate.

Start by defining the problem by analyzing the topic. Use a notebook or a note-taking app to write down and summarize the speaker’s conclusion and the reasons that support it. If the reasons aren’t clear, ask questions to clarify and drill down to find those reasons, then this opens the door to points of information (POI), which is your signal to politely interrupt.

2. Process

Follow the seven steps in the negotiation process listed above: analyzing the topic or argument, gathering information and requirements from all stakeholders, analyzing and evaluating that information, and assessing the risks.

With this information in hand, you can now begin to structure and prepare your argument or negotiation. To do this, use what is known as “The 4 Ws” (Good Arguments by Bo Seo) when organizing and structuring your argument. I have used this tactic repeatedly. The 4 Ws stand for:

• WHAT is the point?
• WHY is it true?
• WHEN did it happen?
• WHO cares?

3. Preparation

Identify the key goals and objectives of the negotiation. What do you hope to get out of it? What is the problem you are trying to solve through negotiation? Similar to preparing for any meeting with executive leadership or a difficult conversation with a partner or friend, preparing for negotiations is vital to your success.

If it helps you think through and write out your argument position, you can use a notebook to help you make notes, reasons, objections, questions, and also the framing of your questions. Be sure to also include “side switching” in your preparations. This means putting yourself in the other party’s shoes, and brainstorming how they might respond to your questions and reasons, and preparing responses for any questions or objections.

You can also use ChatGBT or another GenAI tool to help you prepare questions for an argument or negotiation.

Develop Objective Criteria

As human beings, our natural reaction is to make decisions based on emotion rather than logic. Developing objective criteria is important in ensuring and planning a successful negotiation. This ensures that negotiations are based on agreeing upon fair standards and logical reasoning rather than emotions, opinions, and bias.

Here are some tips to keep in mind when developing objective criteria:

• Frame each issue as a joint search for objective criteria.
• Be open to the speaker’s reason(s) to determine the most appropriate standards and how to apply them.
• Learn to recognize signs of pressure (such as bribes, threats, manipulation, or simple refusal) and avoid succumbing to them. In these cases, look for workarounds or alternatives to propose.

4. People

Successful negotiators are “people first” and know how to separate people from the problem. In fact, by not putting people first, the problem can inevitably lead to conflict or even failure.

In fact, according to The Art of Persuasion: Winning without Intimidation by Bob Burg—an incredible read, by the way—”success in most areas of life is based on 10% technical skills and 90% people skills.” The better your people skills, the greater your chances of success. And that goes for anything in life.

People have emotions, opinions, perceptions, beliefs, and different communication styles and habits, all of which must be analyzed and considered sensitively. For example, as described in Good Arguments by Bo SEO, there are four different types of “arguer” profiles:

• The Dodger – Avoids conversations, or the original argument or topic at hand
• The Twister – Tends to “twist” around words or frequently misinterprets topics or arguments
• The Wrangler – Will often move the “goal post” in arguments, in an effort to confuse or throw an argument off course
• The Liar – Flat out lies

By thoroughly analyzing and understanding your stakeholders’ profiles, you can craft and prepare your argument or negotiation carefully.

Focus on Common Interests

Successful negotiators are interested in relationships and focus every negotiation around common interests. Remember that most individuals have multiple interests, and those interests stem from basic human needs (safety, security, and recognition, to name a few).

Here are some tips on how to effectively understand their interests:

• Ask for reasons behind their interests to really understand their needs
• Ask WHY about their specific choices
• Make a list of those interests and then assess your own

When preparing and executing your negotiations, acknowledge others’ interests and propose solutions that reflect them. (Use a stakeholder map to help you, if needed.)

Passion and Positivity

Some of the greatest speakers and orators might disagree with me on this one, but it’s okay to show emotions in an argument or negotiation. After all, we are all human beings, and whether we like it or not, or whether we try to separate facts from emotions or not, it’s human nature to be “moved” by emotions. You’ve likely heard the phrase, “kill them with kindness” before. Use passion and positivity as a basis for persuasion and influence. You will reach people better that way.

5. Post-mortem

Schedule and hold the negotiation meeting, discuss the details, and reach an agreement. Perform a post-negotiation analysis, also known as a “post-mortem”. This essentially gauges whether or not the negotiation was executed successfully. It’s also a time to evaluate what went well and where you can improve or do differently in the future.

How to Deal with Difficult Stakeholders

Negotiations can be a little nerve-wracking and intimidating, depending on your skill and comfort level. Negotiating with difficult stakeholders is another challenge altogether. Stakeholders play a significant role in organizational decisions. Therefore, identifying and addressing low-commitment, high-influence stakeholders in your organization is imperative.

While preparing for negotiations—especially with difficult stakeholders—separate the problem from the person, consider their priorities and interests, and prepare for the negotiation accordingly. Enlist the help of other high-commitment, high-influence stakeholders as often as possible throughout the negotiation process. (Again, if it’s helpful, use a stakeholder map.)

As discussed above, remember that interests define the problem rather than specific people or positions. Interests are often generated by needs, desires, concerns, and fears. In these instances, “soft” negotiations are often effective. A “soft” negotiation is friendly and emphasizes avoiding conflict and being sensitive to individual feelings and relationships to reach a fair and amicable solution.

Using Negotiation as a Workaround

As mentioned briefly above, negotiation is a problem-solving tactic. Oftentimes, when trying to find a workaround to solve a problem, we might find ourselves in a position of negotiating with the powers that be, such as executive leaders, judges, or even legislators. Gaining the support we need from various power structures can require time and resources, but with patience and persistence, negotiation can be an effective workaround.

The Power of Positive Persuasion

All in all, a successful negotiation comes down to effective communication. Negotiation involves communicating with others back and forth to reach an agreement, decision, or solution.

On the other hand, this is also where communication challenges can arise and negatively impact your negotiation, harm relationships, and even push a project down the path of failure. To avoid these risks, keep the following communication tips in mind:

• Side switch. Take the time to listen to stakeholders’ viewpoints, opinions, interests, and ideas. It doesn’t mean you have to agree with them.
• Practice active listening.
• Speak to be understood rather than heard. Use familiar and succinct language to get your message across clearly and effectively.
• Avoid making assumptions about the other party’s arguments. Ask clarifying questions regarding the topic at hand when necessary.
• Be solutions-focused, communicating the end goal for all parties involved.
• Be willing to compromise, and be willing to walk away (if necessary).
• No one can intimidate you unless you give them permission.
• Set boundaries.

Remember, negotiation isn’t entirely about getting what you want. And it’s not about manipulating another person or organization. Rather, it’s about finding a solution that benefits both parties. Negotiation is really about positive persuasion.

Find Common Ground

Sometimes, the conversation could still fall flat despite your best efforts to prepare for a good argument, debate, or negotiation. That doesn’t necessarily mean you did anything wrong. However, when all else fails, find common ground.