The Importance of Boundaries [UPDATED]

When you purchase or own a home, you know your property lines and limits—what you own and what you don’t. Anyone who crosses those lines without your permission is trespassing.

Boundaries work the same way: They define who we are, and who we aren’t.

My Boundary-less Story

If you have read a previous version of this blog (and, if so, thank you), then you may recall my story about some personal romantic relationships that failed. Although I have since learned from those lessons and corrected a great deal of overthinking and negative self-talk behavioral patterns from those experiences, I had a recent encounter with my immediate family that forced me to pause, reflect, and take some corrective actions.

As I describe some of my challenges with negative self-talk in this blog, after spending years reflecting, soul-searching, and asking myself why I felt this way, I discovered that my own family and closest friends have consistently mistreated me over the years. Even though I was often quick to forgive, I didn’t entirely forget. This created scars and pent-up hurt, anger, and bitterness over time. As a result, I have become a bitter and impatient person—someone who isn’t aligned with my character, the person I want to be, or who I truly am at heart.

All of that emerged and reared its ugly head recently. After an emotionally draining day and sleepless night, and writing and reflecting in a much calmer state after a good cry, I realized that I am beginning to repeat the same “boundary-less” issues I experienced in my previous romantic relationships. Anger and bitterness are signs to reinforce healthier boundaries.

Despite them being blood, I shouldn’t allow my family to push all ownership and responsibility for communication, making decisions, planning trips, hosting holiday get-togethers, and family conflicts. I shouldn’t allow them to disrespect and avoid me, call me names, yell at me, and blow off what is important to me.

As I reread and update this blog from its previous version, I am reminded, once again, that relationships take two. I am reminded that it is useless to continue putting time and energy into relationships if others aren’t willing to do their parts and take responsibility for their actions. I am reminded that I can’t change others’ behaviors, but I can change how I react.

Finally, I am reminded that not setting proper boundaries doesn’t allow me freedom, which isn’t really love. After all, healthier boundaries mean healthier relationships. So, once again, I am choosing to take a step back, develop better boundaries, and move on.

I still have a responsibility as a sister, a daughter, and a friend, and I will continue to do my share, but I am scaling back my efforts. I admit that I’m not entirely sure what that looks like yet. All I know is things need to change, and I need to change my heart.

Why Setting Boundaries is Important

When I described my persistent personal relationship problems to a friend, and knowing that I’m a huge book nerd, she recommended that I read Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend.

Here are some reasons why setting boundaries is important:

• They set clear lines of how we want to be treated.
• They protect us from being used, manipulated, or violated by others.
• They drive away unhealthy, toxic relationships.
• They allow us to separate our personal identity, thoughts, feelings, and actions from those of others.
• They allow us to release feelings of guilt or responsibility for others.
• They allow us to maintain our own personal needs.
• They allow us to maintain and achieve our own personal freedom.

When others cross our lines, it is our responsibility—and only our responsibility—to stick up for ourselves and defend our boundaries. We are the only ones who can protect our freedom, needs, and well-being.

Tips for Setting Boundaries (and Sticking to Them)

1. Build your boundaries

The first step to setting boundaries is to level with yourself and define your boundaries. This might require a little soul-searching, but it is a necessary first step nonetheless.

Setting boundaries is one step, but sticking to them is quite another. For example, you set a boundary to protect your gym time between 6-7 PM each day. Then, a friend asks you to join him for a round of golf. You might feel pressured to say yes. It wouldn’t be wrong if you decided to go, but you will feel bad later because you gave up your gym time. Therefore, it might be best to politely decline.

For those of us who have difficulty with saying “NO”, one workaround is you don’t have to say NO outright (unless you feel the need to, of course); instead, you can make an alternate suggestion or solution.

For example, referring to the example above, if you really want to get to the gym but feel bad about turning your friend down, rather than saying, “No, I can’t make it,” you could say, “Could we do tomorrow night instead? That would work a little better for me.”

This is a win-win. You are showing that you are committed to making plans with your friend for another day and time and protecting your gym time, all without saying NO.

2. Define roles and responsibilities

One common challenge for boundary-less people is they often feel responsible for others. If someone does something, says something, or reacts a certain way, boundaryless people often feel responsible for others’ feelings or actions.

For example, if something bothers me and I try to discuss and communicate it with another person, such as a friend, family member, or significant other, I have a responsibility to the other person. This means that in my attempt to address an issue, I will consider his or her feelings, select the words I use to express my concerns and address the conflict and be mindful of the other person’s triggers.

However, how the other person reacts is not my responsibility. If he or she reacts by getting angry, walking away, throwing things, or playing the guilt trip card, then that reaction is on him or her. That is their responsibility—not mine.

I cannot control nor am I responsible for how others behave or react, but I can control my reaction. And I’ve learned to be proactive rather than reactive, and succumbing to others’ angry reactions or behaviors. The more I focus on the pain, anger, and hurt, the less energy I have to focus on my own freedom, happiness, and purpose.

3. Learn to Say “No” Without the Guilt

I used to say “yes” to everyone and everything, even if it meant changing my plans, rearranging my work schedule, or giving up doing something I wanted or needed to do that day. I did this because I genuinely cared and wanted to help others and put others’ needs above my own.

Although there isn’t anything wrong with helping others, I have learned that it is okay to say “no” without feeling guilty, stretching the truth, or justifying why. The people who respect my boundaries when I say “no, not today” are the people and healthy relationships I want in my life. I have the power to say “no” or “stop,” and that should ALWAYS be respected.

4. Respect Others’ Boundaries

I am an “injury-prone” person. For so long, I couldn’t figure out why. I learned recently that it is because I don’t respect others’ boundaries, not because I am selfish, but I am easily hurt. For example, if I invite my brother and his girlfriend over on a Saturday night for a campfire and they say, “No, we are just going to stay in tonight”, this was something that I would take personally.

However, rather than seeing this as a personal attack, I must remember that these are THEIR boundaries. And just like I want others to respect my boundaries, I need to respect others’ boundaries.

This is something I have to practice and constantly remind myself of, but it also has saved me a lot of pain and heartache.

Midlife Milestones

Big life events and midlife milestones are a time to slow down (or completely stop) and re-evaluate and reassess what is working and what isn’t. And that goes for your boundaries.

Going through any stage of life will likely force you to change and adopt new routines and habits. It becomes increasingly important to guard these new habits and routines as if your life depended on it (because it does). Set better boundaries to protect them. At all costs.

The Power of Freedom and Living a Full Life

Setting boundaries isn’t always easy, and it takes practice. However, having the right people in your life who respect your boundaries can help you “practice” reinforcing them.

Although I’m still working on this, I have learned that by setting boundaries, I have more freedom, and this has brought me a level of happiness that I haven’t experienced in years.

All in all, life is too short to waste it with people who are toxic, disrespectful, manipulative, and simply poisonous to your self-worth. Additionally, setting healthy boundaries and protecting them is an easy way to decide who should be in your life. If someone crosses a boundary, then they just made the decision for you.

Finally, by letting go of unhealthy relationships, we immediately make room in our lives for new, healthier, and better relationships. This also allows us to live a free and fulfilling life and bring positive energy into new, rightful relationships.

If you struggle with relationships, check out this eBook, which provides you with a step-by-step guide through your own “Single for a Year” journey.