You wake up in the middle of the night, replaying a conversation with a friend about making plans that took place earlier that day. She commented, “I’ll visit you soon—one of these days.” At the time, you didn’t think much of it. But now that you are awake in the middle of the night, it’s a different story…

What did she actually mean by that? You try to tell yourself that she’s probably just busy. But the part of your brain that loves to overthink isn’t satisfied with that. Your brain pushes you to overanalyze it, but WHAT IF there’s something else? Did she not really get together? Was she angry or annoyed with you?

You then waste hours and hours of badly needed sleep on that single thought that slipped into your mind. By the time your alarm goes off the next morning, your brain has convinced you that your friend hates you.

Sound familiar?

I always knew I was an avid overthinker. My family and friends often tease me about it, and it has become a well-known joke between us. However, recently, I began paying attention to how much overthinking affects my life.

I read Soundtracks by Jon Acuff (highly recommended for habitual overthinkers). It was eye-opening to discover how much overthinking negatively impacts our lives and relationships and how much time, creativity, mental energy, and even money we waste by overthinking.

If you are an avid overthinker and are tired of it impacting your personal and professional relationships and preventing you from achieving your goals, then this article is for you. Here are some things you can do to overcome overthinking.

What is Overthinking?

In short, overthinking is the tendency to fixate, ruminate on, or excessively worry about past, present, and future events, conversations, and decisions. It is an unproductive form of worry and, as Jon Acuff describes, a “sneaky form of fear”. No, overthinking itself isn’t a mental disorder, but it can be linked to anxiety, depression, and other disorders, such as eating disorders and even substance abuse.

Symptoms of Overthinking

1. You often say words like…

• Everything
• Nothing
• None
• Forever

2. You toss, turn, and lose sleep, ruminating on or worrying about decisions, replaying events that occurred throughout the day, and second-guessing them.

3. When you are in a constant state of worry, your worrying jumps from one topic to the next.

4. You frequently find and fixate on worst-case scenarios.

5. You find it difficult to focus and concentrate.

6. You need constant validation from others.

7. You ruminate on past events that aren’t true (but you think they are true).

Why Do We Overthink?

Overthinking is powerful enough to keep us from reaching our goals, living our wildest dreams, and finding true happiness. This is because we are constantly listening to that little voice in the back of our minds, telling us we can’t do it, it will never work, or that we aren’t good enough.

The “big, bad wolf” behind overthinking is, believe it or not, our own brains. Your brain lies to you about your own memories. This is because, cognitively, our brains confuse “fake” trauma with real trauma. This inevitably leads our brains to believe what they want to believe and tell us things that aren’t true.

Overthinking is really a “System 1” function. (I go into a bit more detail about the differences between “System 1” and “System 2” in this article here.) According to Daniel Kahneman, “System 1” creates a coherent pattern of activated ideas in associative memory, suppresses doubt, and is biased to believe and confirm (whether or not a statement or thought is true) and makes suggestions for “System 2”, specifically its impressions, feelings, intentions, and intuitions, which turn into voluntary actions.

Is it possible to shut “System 1” “off” and overcome overthinking? The answer is yes. But like losing weight requires going to the gym, and earning an advanced degree requires research and study, activating “System 1” requires mental effort.

An Antidote for an Anecdote

When I think about how overthinking has affected me most, it would be in my personal relationships. My jerk brain tells me that my family and friends don’t care about me, forget about me, or talk about me behind my back. I’m not good enough to have a partner because how could anyone love someone like me? There must be something wrong with me.

Here’s an anecdote of how overthinking plagued me for nearly six months and cost me nearly a year’s worth of dance performances.

As my readers know, I am a semi-professional pole dancer in my free time and have been dancing for nearly 12 years. Every September, I dance in a public theatrical show. For the last two years, I had a role in multiple pole routines and group routines. However, 2023 was different. I was only asked to perform as a backup dancer, which surprised me. Why didn’t I get a pole spot? Did I screw up my performance last year so bad that no one wanted to tell me? Was I not good enough?

For six months, I was a victim of my own brain. In an effort to try to combat my overthinking, I reached out to my friend who owns the show and asked her what she was looking for in a pole dancer in terms of performance style and skill level for her show. She responded and described someone who I could only imagine as someone whose life is pole dancing. If I quit my job, sold my house, and didn’t have parents to care for, maybe I could be that good. But that would never be me, nor did I want it to be. I relaxed somewhat because it didn’t seem personal or have anything to do with my particular style or skill level… until the run of the show schedule became available.

When the show schedule was released, I reviewed the list of performers. There were pole dancers on that list who had been doing pole for less time than I had. I instantly felt hurt and disappointed again. At this point, it felt like it was personal after all.

The day of the show arrived. I attended my regularly scheduled pole classes that morning and planned on making the two-hour drive to the venue after class. However, I had a slight accident in one of my classes and hurt my back. Needless to say, doing a performance in less than five hours was out of the question.

Shaking with fear and anxiety, I texted my friend, letting her know what happened and that I wouldn’t be able to perform, knowing with absolute certainty that I would lose a friend and the opportunity to dance in her show in the future.

Nope.

The complete opposite happened. She texted back, telling me not to worry and be safe.

That was it.

I sat and stared at her text response blankly and in disbelief.

She texted me again the next morning, asking me how I felt. Admittedly, a little sore, I let her know I was doing well. I asked her how the show went and apologized again for “bailing” at the last minute. We texted back and forth for several minutes. She gave me the date for the 2024 show and said, “We missed you and would love to have you!” I asked her about the theme, the performers, the dance style, and several other questions, and she offered me a solo pole spot!

Once again, I was awestruck with disbelief.

All I had to do was ask.

This was just one anecdote, of course, but it got me thinking about how overthinking and communication have impacted my business and how many opportunities I may have missed out on or conflicts I inadvertently mishandled, all because overthinking got the best of me.

I started overthinking about overthinking.

Although I could recall and retell hundreds of stories like the one I shared above, it was after this instance that I really began to get my overthinking under control.

4 Things You Can Do to Overcome Overthinking

So, how do you stand up against your own brain like a bully on the playground? Here are four things you can do:

1. Start with WHY

Think about the last time you went out for ice cream. You likely stood in front of the menu board for a long time, looking at all the different flavors, toppings, and sizes. If you’re an avid overthinker like me, you might recall feeling overwhelmed with all the options.

As humans, we can only process several options at one time when making a decision, otherwise it leads to overwhelm… and overthinking.

So when you find yourself in this situation again, whether it’s buying ice cream or a new car, start with WHY. Failing to understand the WHY behind any decision creates stress, anxiety, and doubt, leading to lower-quality decision-making and false assumptions. We end up making decisions based on empirical evidence. In his book Start with Why, author Simon Sinek states, “absent a WHY and a decision becomes harder to make.”

2. Ask Yourself 4 Key Questions

The next time you find yourself slipping down the overthinking spiral, ask yourself these four questions:

1. Is the thought TRUE? Do an analysis. Look for evidence. (Did the person actually say the thing your brain is telling you?)
2. Is it helpful? Does the thought move you forward or hold you back and keep you “stuck” in your same overthinking patterns?
3. Is it kind?
4. What is the opposite?

3. Listen to a Better “Soundtrack”

Do you ever get a bad song stuck in your head that replays incessantly? And no matter what you do, you just can’t get it out of your head? Overthinking is like that—a bad soundtrack.

In his book, Jon Acuff talks about the importance of “soundtracks”, or the negative things our brains tell us that keep us from achieving our goals, living out our dreams, or having healthy relationships. Rather than listening to a bad “soundtrack” on repeat, we have the choice to change it. We can listen to something better, so why don’t we?

Over the course of a day, write down all the bad things your brain tells you. Then, next to each bad thing, write the opposite. Then, begin reciting the good things.

For example, rather than tell myself over and over each day that I’m not good enough, I recite one of my favorite quotes:

“You may not be good enough for everybody. But you will ALWAYS be the best for somebody.”

– Rihanna

We can do the same thing with our brains. Rather than just get “stuck” listening to the same bad soundtrack or the negative thoughts our brains tell us, why not change the script? Tell yourself the things you want to hear. And believe them.

4. Find a Symbol

Find a visual symbol that reminds you of your positive soundtrack. This can be anything (don’t overthink it). It can be a poster you hang on your wall. A Post-It note on your computer monitor. A rock.

The key is to find a symbol of something meaningful, motivating, inspiring, and acts as your kryptonite against overthinking, and put it in a place where you frequently see it.

The Admiral… And Antidote

Late one July afternoon, I went for a walk—beaten, burned, and worn out from the day. Although I thoroughly enjoy my work, on that day in particular, I felt the crushing weight of problems to solve: Personalities leading to power struggles and an insurmountable mountain of impossible decisions. I felt like I was trying to rebuild a shattered puzzle where none of the pieces seemed to fit. I wished I knew the right answer that would help me solve it all.

While on my walk, thinking—and overthinking—a butterfly effortlessly and carelessly floated by me, landing on top of a weed growing off the side of the dry dirt road. I veered off the road and into the weeds to get a better look at him. A chunk of his right wing was missing, yet he seemed to fly as if without impairment.

Now, here is a creature who transforms from a shortened, shriveled, worm-like creature into one of our planet’s greatest symbols of grace, wonder, and beauty.

That’s just it—a symbol.

To help me overcome my overthinking, I remind myself that I am beautiful, unique, and good enough. And regardless of my imperfections, I can still fly. The seemingly powerless become powerful. Therefore, the Admiral has become my “symbol”.

Living a Happier Life Begins with You (and Retraining Your Brain)

To this day, I still struggle with overthinking conversations, conflicts, and interactions in my personal life. I still have moments when I catch my brain telling me that I am not loved, I am not good enough, and that my family and friends all hate me.

But I have realized that out of everyone I have known and had relationships with in my life, my brain has lied to me more than anyone else. Overthinking has been my greatest waste of time. With this in mind, I am better at recognizing when my bully brain is about to push me down the overthinking spiral. You can, too.

All in all, I challenge you to think about your own experiences, and your own overthinking habits, and find a symbol to help you overcome them, and live a happier life.