“Being happy, content, and fulfilled alone is a different kind of healed.” – Anonymous

The truth is, we are bombarded everyday with lies that we are either told, or we tell ourselves. But that’s just it: They are lies. 

I recently read Soundtracks by Jon Acuff. It wasn’t until I read this great book that I realized how many people struggle with negative self-talk and mental scripts. Until I read this book, I felt alone, like no one else could possibly be experiencing the same issues.

I originally published this blog in January 2021 as part of my “Single for a Year” journey. As that year slowly becomes a decade, I continue to heal, learn, and improve. In this article, I will share some habits you can develop and integrate into your daily life to help you overcome negative self-talk and live the life of freedom and happiness you deserve. 

My Journey with Negative Self-talk

After years of self-reflection, I concluded that one of the big reasons why I have battled with negative self-talk was due to experiences with and treatment by my own family. All my life, people who supposedly loved me had hurt me more times than I can count. I was treated differently than my brother, cousins, and second cousins. I was often written off like I was nothing. Like I didn’t exist. Even if I was excited about an accomplishment or a decision, I knew I could count on my family to downplay it, rudely point out a misstep along the way, or give me a back-handed compliment. I was always the target of rudeness, discouragement, disappointment, or neglect, and I never understood why.

I was never a “bad” kid. I did well in school. I went to college, earned multiple degrees and certifications, and never did drugs or got into legal trouble (aside from the occasional speeding ticket). I was also far from spoiled. I went to work at age 14, I helped my parents pay for my college education, and I purchased my first car and my first home, all on my own. Needless to say, why I was targeted and treated differently didn’t make any sense. I grew up feeling like there was something wrong with me, and that affected me mentally and emotionally.

As a result, and without realizing it, I began experiencing self-limiting beliefs and negative self-talk, which pushed me down the path of choosing toxic relationships and friendships. After much reflection and study, I’ve really had to push myself to develop new habits to retrain my brain and correct my thinking.

Defining Family

They say you can’t pick your family. I beg to differ. 

I define “family” in two different ways: Selected family and unselected family.

The unselected family is the family I was born into. Those whom I may share DNA with, and/or who are part of my family tree, either by blood or marriage.

The selected family is the family that I am closest with, whom I feel safe with, who I choose to keep in my life, but who may not necessarily be “blood”.

In order to combat negative self-talk, you first must try to understand why you struggle with it. In an effort to do my own root cause analysis and psychoanalysis, I pinpointed that how I was treated by my family was a huge contributing factor. Rather than spend the rest of my adult life putting up with it and believing the lies, I chose to redefine family.

My family consists of those who are:

• Supportive
• Respectful
• Reliable and dependable
• Good-hearted and good-natured
• Compassionate
• Good listeners

I am incredibly close with my immediate family, which includes my parents, younger brother, and soon-to-be sister-in-law. However, outside of my immediate family, there are a selected few who fit this profile. These are now the people I choose to spend holidays with, send gifts to, and call on whenever I need help or just someone to talk to.

• supported me, respected me, and whom I can count on for anything I need whenever I need it. They support me for me, without their own selfish needs or personal agendas or treat me differently for any reason. They also don’t have preconceived ideas about how I should handle certain situations, relationships, and decisions I choose to make in life, or downplaying me or my decisions because I’m not handling them the way they think I should. 

Regarding my “unselected” family, I had to change my thinking. I realized that their problems with me are really about themselves. I refuse to let them impact my self-worth, listen to their preconceived ideas about how I should handle certain situations and relationships, or downplay my decisions because I’m not handling them the way they think I should. These people aren’t worth my time or energy. To quote my father recently, “Life is too short to let people like that get in your way.”

Being a blood relative isn’t an obligation. Just because someone might be a “blood” relative doesn’t mean you have to have them in your life. If someone chooses not to support you, or causes toxicity in your life, then move forward, and surround yourself with those who encourage you, lift you up, and are a source of positivity.

How to Overcome Negative Self-talk and Limiting Beliefs

1. Start a journal.

Whenever a negative thought crosses my mind, I write it down in my journal immediately or use the “video memo” feature on my iPhone. This allows me to address and correct the thought before it can sting, sink, and settle.

After getting my thoughts out, I write down or say at least three positive things about myself, and three reasons why the negative thought isn’t true.

If you consistently apply this process in your daily life, you will eventually discover that you think fewer negative thoughts.

2. Form a “happiness plan”.

Take some time to think about what really makes you happy. If you aren’t sure, think about the last time you had a really awesome day. What was so great about it? Why? What steps did you take to make it awesome? What steps could you replicate in the future?

Happiness is all about the power of intention.

3. Seek out solitude.

The world is full of “noise”, both external and internal. External noise refers to social media, news, things happening in our communities, politicians, and world affairs.

Internal noise is our daily to-do lists buzzing around our heads, upcoming events, travel, shuffling the kids from one place to another, and so on. 

In order to practice conquering negative self-talk, seek out solitude. Find time and space to be alone to process your thoughts and emotions, and choose a “soundtrack” to listen to. 

Putting it all together, seeking out solitude allows you to foster an attitude of gratitude, improving your relationship with the world around you and, more importantly, with yourself. 

4. Choose to live your legacy. 

Taking a line or two from The Happiness Plan, by Carmel McConnell, tell yourself that you’re gorgeous or handsome. Remind yourself that you are you in your own individual, unique way. And you are enough. No one has ever been you before, and no one will be like you even after you’re gone. You have the choice to live a legacy. So, live it. And, yes, you are good enough to do that.

5. Change your perspective.

No pain, no gain, no risk, no reward—we’ve all heard these phrases. You might pass them off as cliches, but there’s a real, true meaning behind them. Rather than look at a potentially risky situation and hyperfocus on what could go wrong, take some time to think about what could go right and tell yourself you can do it.Notice how your perspective changes.

The best opportunities and the most rewarding scenarios often come from what were once the greatest risks. Let go of the negative self-limiting beliefs and stop telling yourself you can’t do it. You’re only hurting yourself. If you tell yourself you can’t do something before you even try, then you’re right because you already told yourself you can’t. 

6. Stop taking things personally. 

Although I am better, I still struggle with this occasionally. I used to harp on what others say, do, or don’t say or don’t do, and take it personally.

The sad truth is that people will always judge you, even if they say they won’t. The best thing you can do? Stop caring. I know it’s easy to say, but focus on doing YOU, and loving the process.

7. Be confident. 

This is another point that might be easier said than done. But this point and the previous one kind of go hand in hand. Finding confidence means:

• Stop worrying
• Stop fearing failure
• Letting go of past events
• Building healthy boundaries
• Stop comparing yourself to others
• Building strong relationships and letting the toxic ones go
• Doing what makes you happy and letting the world respond

8. Help others. 

If you are in an unhealthy state of people-pleasing or constantly trying to seek approval from others, you are setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment and heartache. (Trust me.)

Shift your focus to doing things for others. Send an encouraging text to a friend or even a handwritten thank you card. Deliver food to a neighbor. Get involved in a community clean-up project. Volunteer at an animal shelter. These activities allow you to take the focus off yourself (and what others think of you) and put your energy toward doing good, which, in turn, allows you to feel good. 

In fact, sometimes simply being in the presence of others can boost your self-image and outlook. Your presence is powerful enough to inspire and encourage others, even if you don’t know it. 

9. Do daily affirmations. 

This might be cliche, but it works. Before the weight of the day can overwhelm you, take the time to list out just three to five things that you love about yourself and that you are grateful for. You’d be surprised at how this simple thing can transform your entire day, and how you see and feel about yourself. In fact, simply reminding yourself, yes, I matter, is all you need to hear.

Set a reminder to do this every day and observe how your perspective and attitude toward yourself change over time. 

10. Build better habits. 

Of course, the suggestions listed above are merely suggestions. The best way to conquer negative self-talk, self-limiting beliefs, and even poor self-esteem is to build better habits to support self-love, gratitude, and your sense of purpose. 

All in all, combating and overcoming negative self-talk takes time, as well as building the right habits and consistency and changing your thinking. You can do the same. Create an environment that brings out your best qualities and limits those that don’t. Surround yourself with people who support you and are not toxic, and notice the difference.

“Single for a Year”: A Journey of Healing

My “Single for a Year” journey is a journey of healing. I’ve learned that self-love and self-esteem are crucial to successful relationships. If I can do it, you can, too.

If you struggle with relationships, check out this eBook, which provides you with a step-by-step guide through your own “Single for a Year” journey.